


Margin of error

by Dopt



Series: Confidence Index [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Light Angst, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 19:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20215225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dopt/pseuds/Dopt
Summary: He looked at her with such disbelief she might have been offended if he didn't just say, “It's too late.”Jyn blinked a few times and saw Cassian shake his head slowly, a weary smile on his face.“You really hadn't noticed?”“Hadn't noticed what?”-How it all began, before Kay became the best worstmidwife of the galaxy.





	Margin of error

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CasandAngel4ever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasandAngel4ever/gifts).

> It's set a few months before Defying the odds but you don't really need to read it before or after this. It's just part of the same time-line. Also thanks to [CasandAngel4ever](https://castiellover77.tumblr.com) for all her encouragement and support. You're a gem!!

  


They were both injured but Cassian had it worse than her, so she had quite a fright when she was finally free to go and found him still in a bed, eyes downward and face grim. She didn't see any heavy bandage, other than the warping on his left arm where he caught a blaster bolt, but by the way he clenched and unclenched his fists, Jyn knew something was wrong. 

She approached slowly, mindful of her sprained knee and she sat gently beside him. 

“What is it?” 

She didn't try to hide the fear in her voice and Cassian's knuckles turned white. 

“I'm sorry,” he said not meeting her eyes and before she could think of anything, she wrapped her arms around him. 

“It's okay, Cassian. Whatever it is, we'll manage.” 

When he didn't move, didn't even acknowledge her, she began to feel seriously queasy and tried to steady her breathing. Her stomach was knotting itself up to her throat, but she tried to look confident as she asked again, “Tell me what's eating you.” 

Cassian sighed and apologized again before grabbing the pad near his bed and opening a tab with his chart. 

Jyn read quickly the list of recent injuries, but to her relief there was nothing worth the fright he just gave her. Yes, his arm was burnt, he had torn a few tendons in his left shoulder and of course, his back was still a mess, but nothing life threatening, nothing invalidating on the long run, so she didn't understand until Cassian pointed it for her. 

At the beginning of the file, nearly under his name was the date of expiration of his birth control implant. Seven months ago. 

The knots of her stomach loosened, but still, a wave of nausea rolled up and she swallowed hard. Of course, Cassian noticed. 

“I'm sorry,” he told her again, “I really thought we had more time. I should have been more careful.” 

Taking a long and very slow breath, Jyn forced a smile and wrapped her hand in his. 

“It's okay. I could have gotten an implant myself. I still could, if you don't want-” 

He looked at her with such disbelief she might have been offended if he didn't just say, “It's too late.” 

Jyn blinked a few times and saw Cassian shake his head slowly, a weary smile on his face. 

“You really hadn't noticed?” 

“Hadn't noticed what?” 

His hand cradled her face and she felt her cheeks burn when he finally told her, “Jyn, you're pregnant. Been for weeks now.” 

Her brain seemed to have disconnected itself because she couldn't understand his words for an embarrassing long time. Then, all she managed to say was, “How?” 

She must have looked particularly stupid because Cassian chuckled and sighed as he wrapped his good arm around her. 

“We're having sex, Jyn. Quite regularly, I'd say, but maybe you don't enjoy it that much, so you don't remember it.” 

She pushed her shoulder against his, but she didn't have much force in her precarious position on the side of the bed. 

“I'm sorry,” he said again, and an awful feeling of dread rose behind her heart, climbing up her throat with enough strength to choke her. 

“You don't want it,” she finally whispered, and she tried with all her might to not withdraw or show any disappointment because, really, she understood. She wouldn't have chosen to have a baby either but... 

Cassian's fingers caught her tears before she even registered she was crying and she never felt more ashamed of herself to be caught like that. She wanted to leave, to have some time alone to think, and maybe to study the possibilities she may still have but Cassian apologized again, only this time he added, “That's not what I meant Jyn. I'm only saying I'm sorry I have forced you into a dangerous situation. That my mistake has consequences you have to face.” 

“I don't see how I am the only one who has to face those consequences,” she said a bit too bitterly because how could she be anything but bitter and angry? Not only she was pregnant, but she didn't even notice? What kind of moron was she? And how can he know more than her? 

As if sensing the question, or maybe she asked it aloud because her brain didn't seem to work properly just yet, Cassian explained, “You've been really sleepy for weeks, and often nauseous. You drink caf now although we both know you hate it-” 

“It helps me staying awake and-” 

“And you look like you put on some weight even if you don't eat much.” 

Jyn tensed at that and she resisted when he tried to wrap his arm around her. 

“I'm not criticizing anything, Jyn. Even if you indeed put on some weight, I fail to see how it can be a problem as long as you’re healthy. But you're not. Or you may not be if you don't adapt to the situation.” 

She was about to deny having changes to make because it all seemed at bit slim to conclude at pregnancy when he added with a teasing smile, “And you're always horny. Not that I'm complaining, because you're also way more sensitive in that regard too.” 

She blushed but didn't try to argue. He was only partly right on that last point because, mostly, he was the only reason she was so needy. Her previous sexual encounters had been pleasant at best whereas sex with Cassian was... well, something else. So of course, she wanted more but she didn't need to explain him that. So that was probably why he insisted to do the work in place of her own brain. 

“Also, I'm pretty sure you didn't have your periods for the last two months at least, Jyn, but if you still have doubt, of course, you could ask a meddroid for a test. I think you should do that anyway so we can know for sure how long you are.” 

She took her time to think about it, then, with a deep breath, she looked at him in the eye and she asked, “What do you want to do?” 

Cassian lowered his gaze and looked away. 

“That's not my choice to make.” 

“Maybe not, but I still want your opinion because we're both concerned right now. So, what do you want?” 

As he stayed silent, she pushed him to sit fully on the bed beside him and grabbed his hand. 

“Cassian,” she began gently, “I can't say I remember every single time we had sex in the past four or six months, but I'm pretty sure I enjoyed myself when this happened so I'm just as much responsible as you are. I can't decide alone unless you don't want anything to do with me anymore.” 

He gaped at her with such a horrified expression she would have felt proud of her capability to break his usual calm if she wasn't so concerned. 

“Of course I want to stay with you!” 

“Good, because whatever we decide, I'd rather not doing it alone. So, what do you want?” 

She forced a smile on her face and tried to look as nonchalant as possible to not influence him, but of course, this was Cassian. 

“I love you,” he said to their interlaced hands, “and I'm deeply sorry I put you, us, in this position.” 

Dread filled her again because he seemed so sad and ashamed and sure, she may not have wanted this, may not even have realized it had happened before he pointed it, but he should be happy, not broken. It hurt to see him like this because she was terrified, and she wasn't sure she'd found the force to comfort him. Not if... 

“I've never seen myself as a parent. Hells, I've never thought I'll survive past twenty.” 

Jyn felt nauseous again and the urge to flee was strong but she managed a weak, “It's okay, I understand,” before she got up. 

“I'll go check with a meddroid and see how to...” 

She flipped her hand around because she didn't want to say it, didn't even want to think about it but she nodded and swallowed and put on a brave face like everything was fine, because it should be. After all, less than twenty minutes ago, she didn't even know she was pregnant so asking for a termination shouldn't be a problem, right? 

Part of her wanted to leave quickly, without another look and pretend this all mess never happened but still, she glanced up at Cassian because she needed some reassurance, and all she saw was his crestfallen face as he looked at her. 

As if sensing her gaze, he quickly composed himself and smiled weakly. 

“That would be the safest thing to do I suppose.” 

He didn't look convinced and something like hope flared in her chest. 

“Without a doubt. We could even ask Kay for the odd, if you want.” 

“And have him berate me for my very obvious lack of common sense when I not only engaged sexual intercourse with you but also never took the time to check the validity of my implant? Not sure it's a good idea for today.” 

His smile was more genuine for an instant then he sobered again when his eyes fell on her belly. 

“Can I...” he started then shook his head and lied back on his pillows, swallowing hard. 

He looked so sad and tired and helpless, she couldn't leave him just yet. 

“Are you okay?” 

Cassian's chuckle sounded wet and Jyn was by his side before she could think better of it. 

“Hey,” she began more harshly than intended, “I'm the one who should be upset, not you. In a few days, everything's going back to normal and...” 

She stopped, totally unable to go on because that was not what she wanted. The silence dragged on, tense and hurtful but she couldn't pretend anymore. 

“Since when do we choose the safest option?” she asked in a broken voice that was definitely not whiny. 

Cassian looked up and something flickered again in his eyes, but he still refused to face her for too long. 

“Cassian,” she called again, “you really need to tell me, for real, that you don't want this child because I can't-” 

“Why would I tell you that?” he cut, horrified. 

“Because you kept on saying you're sorry, you don't see yourself as a father, what do you really mean for hells' sake?” 

He blinked and reached for her hand with very deliberate slowness, like he feared she refused him. He wasn't completely wrong. 

“I mean exactly what I said. I'm sorry for this all mess, I'm sorry you have to literally bear the consequences of my carelessness and I can't ask you to put yourself at risk because of it. We're in the middle of a war and we both know you won't stay behind for anything.”

“But you want this child or not?” 

His answer was muffled on her neck when he engulfed her in a hug, regardless of his injured arm and she never thought she could ever be so relieved to be reckless. 

After what was clearly too long for his burnt arm and torn muscles, he let her go but kept one hand on her side, creeping down her belly with that deliberate slowness he always used when he wasn't sure of her reaction. 

She sighed and put his palm right under her bellybutton. 

“You won't feel anything, you know.” 

He beamed at her, suddenly so carefree and happy she wondered how she could have imagined for one second he couldn't want this. 

“But maybe they will. And I want to be sure they know I'm here, not matter what.” 

“Yeah, well, tell me about it after you told Kay and he tells you the odd of having some kind of disaster in the next weeks.” 

He groaned and put his head on her shoulder. “He's going to be insufferable, you know.” 

She chuckled because he was so right but at the same time, she wasn't really worried about the droid's reaction. Still, for the fun of it, she said, “As long as he doesn't try to play the midwife, I'll be fine.” 

At that time, she didn't know. 


End file.
